If I told you, you wouldn't believe me

Friday night happened to be the craziest thing that has ever happened to me.... I daresay EVER.
It all began with a too beautiful to be even true wedding reception. It was the prettiest reception I've ever seen. Classy as heck. Not to mention the food was delicious. The men were fooiiiiiine. The boquet toss was actually competitive. Everything was perfect. They even had spice cake for their wedding cake which happens to be my absolute favorite kind.
Then long story real real short, on the way out of the reception, I flirted with some of the groomsmen and ended up spending the evening exploring an abandoned jail with them in Provo. Scary? Not really. Nervous about getting caught? MOST DEFINITELY. It was really creepy though. Broken glass everywhere, blood on some of the walls, graffiti with disturbing phrases. yikes.
The guys ended up being tools, but I was laughing the entire night because I was being spontaneous and adventurous. That's what college is about, right? Doing fun and crazy things you would never imagine doing before? Even if sometimes you have to sneak around so as not to awake the warden who lives right outside the gate of said abandoned prison. #rebel

We all know emotions are not my strongest suit. Go figure. It's also a no-brainer that I am obsessed with my jazz dance class. These two things, strongest of strengths and weakest of weaknesses, collided last week, and it handed my butt to me in a giftwrapped bag. I'm not even sure how to describe what happened, but I can say that I was pushed to be vulnerable and share very real things in front of my entire class. It was hard, and I'd like to say it was good because I know it was, but it didn't feel that great. It felt like I was being run over with a car, and the car kept reversing and forwarding over my body... Ouch? I feel pretty safe being vulnerable in that class, I've done it before, no sweat, but to stab and twist the knife so deep this time was a little intense. Especially in front of people who aren't super fond of me. (A bunch of people in my class dislike me because the teacher uses me a lot. What they don't understand is she only picks on me like that because I've taken her class three times now, and I'm not even taking it for credit... so slow down, choncho! No need to throw serious shade) Anyway, I was held after class because Britt could tell I was struggling to "put my toys away".
I don't know how actors do it so easily.

I'm falling apart at the seams (what else is new?), and I haven't been sleeping well. Not the best combination. Can anyone spare me a wheelchair?

4 people from either Theatre Ballet or Ballet Showcase have asked me within the past week about the pros and cons of CDT vs. Theatre Ballet. So basically I am the Katniss and/or Tris of the BYU dance department. The rebel. the defector. And it actually makes me laugh that it hasn't been done before. #sorrynotsorry
Ok, but here's the thing. Theatre Ballet is great. Ballet is beautiful and will always be my first love. I have nothing whatsoever against ballet. Do you think I would still be taking ballet classes if I did? CDT is just a better fit for me. That's all there is to it. (ok not all, but pretty much...)

Wow. This went so many different directions so fast.

P.S. note to self: don't drink caffeine before a technique class because you will be WIRED.

Lil Missionary Moment

K. We all know and love Benjamin Wright. And if you don't know him, you should feel a strong desire to meet him because he is everything. Benjamin is currently serving in the Nebraska, Omaha mission. I get his family emails every week, and they are nothing but uplifting. This past week in particular, he said the following paragraph that really touched my heart (hopefully he doesn't mind that I'm sharing this...):

"Guys, it does not matter what pain we have, or what problems we are called to deal with. Jesus Christ heals us.  He's the only one that can do it. It doesn't matter how powerless or hopeless we feel, it doesn't matter who thinks we're failing or who tells us we aren't good enough. It doesn't matter if we see no potential for good within ourselves, it doesn't even matter if we completely hate ourselves. Because Christ loves us. So we need to stop thinking about ourselves all the time. Constantly focusing on ourselves, even if it's focus on how crappy we are, is still self-centered and it distances us from Christ and shoves the Spirit out of our lives. If we don't feel strong enough to deal with something, good, because we aren't. So we need to stop worrying about it and feeling overwhelmed about every single thing that goes wrong because it's all part of Heavenly Father's plan! He KNOWS that things are hard, it's not a surprise. And Jesus Christ lived and died BECAUSE things are going to be hard!! The entire plan of Salvation is created around the fact that life is going to challenge us and push us down and hurt us and damage us and break us. And because that is inevitable, Heavenly Father sent His Son to the world. And the Savior took upon Himself all of those things so that WHEN they come knocking, we can politely invite them inside, and them direct them right through the house and out the back door where the Savior is waiting to take them away. We don't need to be so afraid! Jesus Christ is right here, He's right here! Nothing can kill us, because he conquered death, spiritually AND physically! He is stronger than EVERYTHING! I wish every single person on the planet could FEEL how much the Savior loves them."

Isn't he awesome? I love witnessing the growth of his testimony, and even though I miss him a whole lot, I am so happy he is serving a mission. It strengthens my testimony every day to see my friends making the right choices and being so willing to serve. Especially my worthy priesthood-holding friends.

Here is a little snippet from the day of his farewell. He sang "Oh My Soul Hungered" for me as a final goodbye gift. And I will never get over his voice. He is the most talented guy I've ever known. Anyway... Also, I'm the out of focus person in the foreground of the frame, so sorry for moving so much. The tears were streaming, let's just say that.

Ok Fiiiiiiiine, here's another part.

P.s. The passwords to both: Benjamin

alive and well

That moment when you bite your tongue so hard while chewing food, and you don't want to look like a baby, but your eyes water and it hurts so badly. Yup, that just happened.

What is daylight anymore. What is sweat, what is relaxation? What is counting. What is studying, what is social life. I feel SO out of control. I am doing better than I was at the beginning of the semester, I'll give myself that, but srsly WHO AM I? I have become a soda drinking, class skipper! I never thought I would do either of those things. This semester is driven by my goals of no procrastination but also too much apathy. If I try to care, I am engulfed in anxiety. So I do seven quizzes in one afternoon, rehearse, turn in papers, choreograph until all hours of the hated night, and take tests, and sweat, and put on those blasted toenail bruisers called pointe shoes, but you canNOT get me to stress about any dance midterms or closed book tests. I won't do it. I'll work hard, and I'll study, but I can only be what I am, so if that's not good enough, tough luck for you because I feel fine about it. Wrong attitude? Maybe, but hey it works.

Sodalicious is great. the end. Especially when Brooklyn is in attendance. Today I really just needed a pick me up and that was exactly the perfect thing. Is that a coherent sentence? Not so much. But it is. Especially when they give you a GIANT scotcheroo that exceeds all your expectations.

Work parties bring all my favorite (and non-favorite) people together. And we go hard on the treats.... #scotcheroosandcookiesandmilk

There is a brotherhood of men and being asked to sing and dance at the same time is a lot harder than I thought it would be, so ok Young Ambassadors, we get it that you're great. So everyone come see us perform TOGETHER in the Homecoming Spectacular this week!! And yes it's to the song "Brotherhood of man." And I'm aparently from Ghana, so watch for the purple sack that is my costume...

Pictures as of late:

Me and Quinn at Lucy's blessing. She is thoroughly adorable.

The little lady of the day, Lucy Joy. I swear I'm like the baby whisperer or something...

Oh, while I'm thinking about it, let me just try to describe the impossible for you. Today in jazz (the beloved jazz class that I can never stop talking about #sorrynotsorry) magic happened. I can't even really explain how or what. This is what I do know: I thought it was weird that Brittany taught us the entire combo before letting us do it with the music. Then she told us to lay down and close our eyes and just listen to the song because there were literally no counts. When she turned on the music, I heard the most beautiful composition ever. Both the lyrics and the instrumentals were overwhelmingly beautiful. We were then instructed to do the combo on our own timing and to feel the music. Fabulous. We did it in three groups a few times and then got split into four groups. Mine was number 2. Group number 1 went, great. awesome. Group number two. I started out concentrating mostly on which moves to do fast and which ones to draw out, and then something happened. I was having the strangest out of body experience and yet I was so in tune with myself and every move's intention. I don't know that I've fallen deeply in love in my life, but I know what it feels like to be raw and vulnerable, so I sensed some harnessing of that. Everyone finished at different times, and when I created the last shape I realized people were in the room and they had been watching me and I wasn't on my own journey in the music. People had witnessed it. And aparently it was one heck of a journey because Cayel, Libby, and Brittany were all speechless. And made a point of telling me so. But I had no idea what I had just done...

And that is why I dance. For the moments of unexplainable magic.

(I realize that that explanation does NOT do any of that experience justice, but I really just had to tell someone because it was envigorating and exciting.)

How to live when you feel like dying.

I'm exhausted. And it's never going to slow down or stop being any less exhausting.
Crap happens. and the easy solution turns out to be the most difficult and doesn't even give you the option you were hoping for.

But instead of staying in my Debbie Downer ways, I decided enough is enough. You can hate it, but nothing's gonna change, so it's time to buck up, cupcake, and look at life from the happy side. So here are some things I'm gonna do to stay positive:

-Make lists. Lists make me happy.
-Sign my name in cursive. Over and over. It relieves stress.
-write in my journal more often. I can't promise daily, but more than once a week.
-Countdown for things. That helps me stay excited for things, thus increasing my overall mood.
-Reese's peanut butter cups. Because duh.
-Fall caramels. Because duh duh duh.
-buy a new outfit. (as soon as I get money, those black ankle booties from 6pm.com are MINE)
-Start off each day by reading my scriptures, praying, and then playing "find your jam"
-Make funny faces at myself in the mirror
-Compliment other people. This is something I've always had a knack for. I like to think of it more as sincerely congratulating people on living and choosing to be there that day than jealousy or coveting.
-Remember this quote: "Do don't get what you want. You get what you believe." Even if you want, with all your heart, to be happy, you won't be if you don't truly believe that you can be happy. Does that make sense? The m
-Bask in the fact that the following is real, and it happened, and I was really there. And appreciate the fact that I got to go and learn so much about being a decent human being as well as a better dancer.







(Quick shoutout to Rach. I am OBSESSED with all the videos you made of our trip.) Homies, if you want, check out all of Rachael Bede's videos from Italy on Vimeo. She's a genius, and I'm so proud to say she's my friend. Also, she'll be famous some day, so watch out world. Luh you, Rachie!!
[In the Rome vid, you can tell that I developed a sixth sense for when Rachael's camera was out hahaha. Sorry, Rach :) ]

Be happy, people. And do adagio combinations to little mermaid and FEEL that moment on the rock. It really helps hahaha.