when in tears, pray. {opposition part II}

The first tears to fall in quite some time. Quite. some time.

I was so worried. My insides felt sick for him. He wants to get out of here so badly, and he deserves to be in the mission-field more than anyone I know. Not to mention his level of excitement when it comes to speaking about Panama. He wants to live in a hut or maybe sleep under the stars. He aches to speak fluent Spanish and be admired for being white. He wants to preach the Good News, and tell people as he once told me, "The Church is true, Eliza, and the Gospel is good."

He had his second surgery (the one to remove the tumor), and the doctor called it "Aural Mucosal Polyp." Don't even worry, the pronunciation is nearly impossible. And the best news of all: It's benign. No cancer. Cancer-free. What a relief. He had to get staples in his head to hold his ear in place, but I hear that he is doing splendidly well now. He is due to leave on February 15. Good on ya, Elder Clarke.

An amazing thing to me is that through all of this, he has kept his family adequately informed (I imagine they would be going insane if he didn't), but that isn't the focus of his letters. He always talks for the majority of his letters about learning new perspectives of principles he's been studying. What a great example of perseverance and optimism. He's a marvelous kid, he is.

Prayers are answered. Comfort will come. And missions will be fulfilled on the Lord's time.

opposition.

At the doctor's office yesterday, the blood pressure thing hurt more than usual. Especially when my heart didn't work properly the first time and they had to monitor it again, only the second time around they decided to completely suffocate my arms like a boa on a.... banana? Sure. I still felt the uncomfortable hurt for approximately five minutes after they took the wrap off. I rubbed my arm tenderly and tried not to think of IV's and bloodwork and the mere fact that I was presently in the doctor's office.

Today was oddly exciting. Aside from the part where my sleepytime cough medicine didn't wear off until after first period, I was feeling like I was on top of the world. Nothing super fantastic happened, but I just felt warm inside. I was aware of all my friends and all the people I said hi to in the halls. 

I hope you took special note of one tiny word that I just used four times:  was.

It's interesting how quickly the world seems to fall apart.

I was busily shuffling my way down the hall by the attendance office slash book depository when I heard, "Miss Liza!" Oh, bless that darling, sweet gentleman. I admire him. I whipped my body around to face who we'll call the Gentleman #1 (GM#1 for short.). "Did you hear about Specimen #4?!" (Specimen #4 is in the MTC, about to take off to Panama for two years. Or was.) I gave him my best puzzled, but not too interested face as I said, "No, I didn't read his last letter, what's up?" GM#1 looked deeply into my soul as the next few words fell off his ever so precious lips, "he has a tumor."

My heart stopped beating for what felt like a solid minute. Keep yourself together, at least until you're alone I kept telling myself. It felt like I was watching this scene from far away. I heard my voice say, "What? Are you serious?! Is that why he couldn't hear? Is he going to be ok? What's going on?" Surprised at my sudden burst of curiosity, GM#1 replied, "Yeah. The doctors thought it was some kind of ear infection at first, but they just found out that it's a tumor behind his eardrum. He's supposed to leave for Panama on Monday, but he's not going to be leaving until they figure out what to do. He might have to come home to have surgery on it."

No, no, no. no, NO! This can't be happening. What in the world is going on.

Sometimes, there's going to be crazy moments when you want to cry and can't breathe and your insides become really tight knots. The solution: pray really hard.

Two for one

This one is going to get real monotonous, real fast, but please enjoy it beside that fact.

1/13/12
-Here's to that movie that I hate the most, yet can never escape.
-here's to romantic lantern launching at my three year old niece's birthday party. Then, as everyone retires inside for cocoa to warm their frigid bones, remaining in the cold to reminisce memories of the far away past and gaze upon the rich and darkened night sky, complete with seven specks of golden light.
-here's to exhaustion at its finest.
-here's to watching Serendipity for the first time and wondering if something similar could happen to me.
-here's to being a hopeless romantic.
-here's to hearing that an individual was speaking of me and the winter waltz in the same sentence to his friends and becoming extremely curious. Hoping he asks me, then realizing I shouldn't hope for such a thing.
-here's to fearing the previously mentioned individual because of many reasons that are most obvious and intertwining.
- to twitching while falling asleep and subconsciously making loud noises, only to have people in the room laugh, resulting in my awakening...

1/14/12
-Here's to waking with puffy, swollen eyes and tonsils the size of kiwis.
-here's to feeling like someone thought it would be funny to replace the insides of your head with homemade, tofu-like marshmallows.
-here's to idling in warm showers and soft, clean towels.
-Here's to changing into clean and comfy clothes when you have a sick leaf in your pooch.
-here's to the daily Swiss Miss packet stirred into Royale skim milk, after being heatest for a minute and thirty seconds.
-here's to the grapefruit and agave that was supposed to help me feel better.
- to feeling like a flake when it comes to going to dance. I really am sick, I swear on my flexibility.
- here's to misunderstanding, being misunderstood, and wanting to find someone I can share absolutely everything with.
-realizing there is someone I can tell everything to: my Heavenly Father. And feeling sorry I didn't think of it before.
-feeling guilty when you receive a text message from your best friends after saying there's no one on this earth that you trust entirely.
- here's to a bizarre friendship:  closet best buds, philosophizing about life and the Gospel, multiple page lengthened text conversations that never lose interest, checking each other out at school while trying to be nonchalant, but failing miserably, only managing to say hi to each other without getting nervous and walking away.
- here's to a boy that I kind of adore, but I know I can't and shouldn't.
- to staring at said boy in English over the top of my book when I'm supposed to be following along. Then disregarding an entire scene in the book because of my preoccupation.
-always embarrassingly (it's not even a word, don't look it up.) making eye contact with him at least once every class period.
-here's to not understanding my own feelings and thinking that I might miss someone. Trying to convince my mind that I only miss our ideal, genuine friendship and nothing else. Realizing how pathetic I sound and wishing I could erase all feelings.

- and finally, here's to being vulnerable, frustrated, exhausted, sleep deprived, wishful, and human.

It's all picked out; the dress and the ring.

January 8

10:53 pm-

 I was finishing my nightly scripture study, when I heard movement outside my bedroom door. You know that feeling you get when you're being watched? Well, I experienced that slightly insecure self-conciousness until I glanced up to:

"I couldn't sleep... And your dad's snoring."

I tried to suppress the laugh that bubbled in my throat as my mother plopped down on my bed. I couldn't contain myself for long.

For a moment, we sat in silence and I watched her facial features as she sighed audibly a few times.

Concerns were then expressed for each of my siblings in turn (*Remember: I'm the youngest of nine. I can't possibly give worthwhile advice to my mom about my older siblings...) We discussed the circumstances thoroughly, followed by more silence. The comfortable kind. The "I just love being in your presence and that's all I really need right now" kind of stillness. Until I had an idea.

I scrambled across my double-sized bed and flopped over the edge. I rummaged through the box until I grasped them firmly in both hands. I rapidly flipped through the pages until I found the three key desires of my heart. Mother laughed as I pointed to one page after another:

"That's it. That's the one I want."

She sat for a minute trying to connect how my burst of enthusiasm toward this subject had anything to do with our previous conversation. Naturally, it didn't. Then she smiled her beautiful and ageless smile. We launched into my wedding plans, giggling as we continued reading through my collection of Bridal Guide Magazines. 

***Now, don't get ahead of yourself. I am indeed still in high school with no man to call my own. And right now, I wouldn't have it any other way.***

11:30 passed quickly, as did 12:00. We were too engulfed in stories of her dream wedding and the planning process involved. Mother looked at the clock at... oh... 1 in the am, and said, "Oh! You might need to sleep. I mean, after all, you do have school in the morning." Oh reality, why do you have to interrupt? We spoke of a few more deets concerning my wedding, and closed with a goodnight hug. I scrambled under my covers and assumed the favored position (a little ball with my knees in my face). Mother turned out the lights, and she whispered, "Sweet dreams, I love you."

The perfect evening with my best friend.

New Year, New Look, New Life

I decided to give this here page a little makey-makeover.

It's still in the process, but I like where it's headed. So you'll have to wait....

And dance like there's no tomorrow

 :)

With Grace, Poise, and much Elegance,

Eliza

P.s. The new title rhymes with the old one. Awkyawk.