I can, and I will, and I'd like to thank the Academy.

I'm back with a whole lot of thoughts, and since basically no one reads my blog anymore (which is fine, I have totally come to terms with it) I can say whatever I want.

My new jacket's sleeve zipper is broken. First time wearing it.

International packages/ super busy in the packnship close to closing time = the perfect way to make Eliza unhappy and annoyed.

At last motivated to do homework, but the minute I stepped into my room, angst and overwhelmed sensations happened, so I cleaned out all the receipts I have hoarded in a drawer of my desk. I also hung up some clothes #yayme

I need a small keepsake box for my Italian things. Any ideas? I'm thinking maybe ikea...

I found nappy candy at work and ate it out of desperation. I also drank some expired eggnog by accident, so basically I'm just waiting to vomit.

It's all fun and games until you have to wear a sock mask.

Speaking of Italy, can I PLEASE go back yet? I've been a good girl. I left part of my SOUL there. The distant call of the Adriatic sea is taunting me. Or is it the gelato? We can never be sure.

Here's my take. Perfectionism is really bad, not just in Utah Valley, but in BYU specifically. So much pressure from professors, but mostly from each other and ourselves. It's unhealthy. So many crazy expectations. I feel especially so because I am a dancer, and I am convinced that all dancers have a huge issue with perfectionism. Something about how we're trained to constantly strive for perfection but never come any closer to the impossible ideal than we were the day before, even if we improve. The "ideal" or "perfect" thing is always changing, so it will never be attainable. Talk about frustrating. Anywho, I'm not eloquent, but I wanted to give my two cents.

I sent off my tithing with a Harry Potter stamp, so my worlds have now collided. (Sorry if that was sacreligious. I was not trying to make it sound that way.)

Now it's time to talk about (another) one of my flaws. Namely: People pleasing. I am the WORST. I'm actually getting better at saying, "Ope. That was stupid of me, I told someone else that I would go to Costa with them, etc..." I spread myself way too thin, all in the name of wanting people I love and care about to be happy. Not gonna lie, sometimes it really sucks. Trying to make a million different plans work for one evening is not an easy feat. And a lot of times all the plans blow up in my face. Yet I continue... Maybe I subconsciously fear that if I tell a person no one time, they'll stop asking me all together. And maybe I think that way because it has happened before. Oooooooor maybe I'm just a pushover. GRRRR why am I a pushover???? Yet I can be the most stubborn at times... I'm confident in myself, so it's not a confidence issue. It is the weirdest of mysteries.
I'm the biggest controversy, if you haven't yet noticed. But I am sane, I promise.

I am woman. Hear me roar.

I probably shouldn't admit all these things, but at the same time, I am who I am, and if you know me, you probably aren't shocked by any of this. If not, sorry that I'm less than "perfect," but I'm actually not even the slightest bit sorry.

One day maybe I'll have a lot of profound thoughts on every aspect of life, but today is definitely not that day.

Still here, I promise. Just...

lack of words. and time. and

it's complicated.

Stay tuned...

Because of Him

Remember that one time I neglected my blog? Oh yeah, that's because finals are the rudest.
But I'm back, if you were concerned.

First, one of the neatest spiritual lessons I've learned while at church in my life. Lemme give you some background information, though: In my ward, there were 17 kids in my age group. All of us grew up together and graduated high school together. Even though we may not be bestest buddies, we are all pretty close friends. Well, all but four girls went on missions. And two of those four that stayed home got married. Anyway, I digress. It has been two years and all my homies are finally getting home! Last Sunday, two of these childhood friends of mine gave their homecoming report in the home ward, and it felt so weird and magical that they were the last of all the group to get home! My good bud Matt went to the Benin Cotonu Mission in Africa, and his talk reduced me to tears. He mentioned something about obedience that I will never forget. He said that if you wake up late and you don't do read your scriptures or do companionship study and you don't pray, and then you walk out of your apartment and get hit by a motorcycle, you will always question whether you got hit because you didn't read your scriptures or pray, etc. But if you DO wake up on time and you READ your scriptures and you PRAY and leave your apartment and get hit by a motorcyle, you'll know it was God's will for you. Because you were obedient and did everything He asked of you.
*mind blown*

Next, that night I went to a fireside that had me in tears of the best kind. It was a Christmas music fireside, and one of my really good friends with an angellic voice sang. Then we watched this video that yanked the tears right out of my eyes. I already loved the song, but... just watch. You'll love it.

Then there's this video that has been going viral. A BEAUTIFUL representation of why we celebrate what we celebrate every December 25th. So enjoy:

So readers, I love the Gospel. I don't care what you believe, and I know and love lots of people who don't share my beliefs. But I need you all to know that I know it is true. I know that Christ is our Redeemer and he was born and lived and died and was resurrected FOR US!!! So we can live with our Heavenly Father again. It's such a happy thought.

xoxoHappy Christmasxoxo

I heard your voice in a dream

Since I have been sick, I have had some of the WEIRDEST dreams I've ever had in my life, I daresay. I blame it all on the cough medicine that doubled as a narcotic. Said cough medicine has also created some of the most vivid and real dreams I have ever had.

I remember two dreams specifically from last night, and I need to tell you about the second of the two because I really don't want to forget the advice that was given because in all actuallity, it is GREAT advice.

The first of the two was really bizarre, but I'm only realizing that now. In the moment it was very real and very... comforting at the same time? I don't know, it was weird, so we won't talk about that.

Dream number two: I came late to a masterclass taught by the one and only Teddy Forance and was trying to frantically pick up the choreography as they started performing for each other in small groups. He was picking specific people to dance together, and Logan and someone else were up first. I took this moment to ask Teddy for help on a floor jump that was in the combo (I'm actually really excited to try it in real life because in my dream it looked so neat). He pulled me aside (into another room, actually) and started breaking it down step by step for me. Then he asked if I had any other questions about the combo. He wanted to see me do the whole combo right there in front of him and asked which grandma was my inspiration for the piece (there are always little bizarre things in dreams that seem totally normal, right?). After I did it for him, he gave me a few pointers, but then he surprised me by launching into a discussion of what I need to do as a dancer. He told me to always do things with a purpose. I need to create a story, devote myself completely to the movement. He went on to give me a whole motivational speech about the difference between a good dancer and a dancer that gets hired. When I woke up, I first of all, couldn't believe that had actually happened in my dream. Second of all, grabbed a notepad and pen and feverishly scribbled down every bit of advice. So thank you for the pep talk, Teddy :)

On a completely different note, I am happy. You would think I would be exhausted and grumpy because I was up until four this morning, but I actually couldn't wipe the stupid smile off my face this entire day. So it's great to be happy. That's all. Haha.

Ciao,
Lize.

P.S. I have a stalker. SOS. He's in my singles ward, and he really is creepy. I am so uncomfortable. But more on that later, I guess.

homecomings and snow and awkward moments

I rock at awkward moments. And by that I mean I always find myself in the most ridiculous and awkward of circumstances. I guess you could call it a talent. #blessed
I won't go into details because no written words will never give any of it justice, so if you ever want to hear these gems of stories, just hit me up. They're great. And by that I mean heavy on the Awkward Sauce.

In other news,

Connor is home. Morgan got her mission call. I met a Haitian man who I wish was my best friend because I have never felt so much light and love from a single person in my life. His name is Jeffrey, and he is a hip hopper. I witnessed the first snowfall of the season from inside my comfy house, thank goodness. I did lots of spontaneous things this weekend, that made me wonder who I have become as a person... not in a bad way, per se, but just a self-reflective sort of way.
I'm still quote unquote sick... whatever that even means. I've decided I'm done waiting around, though, so wish my body luck.

If you could go back in time and relive moments of your life, would you? Not necessarily with the ability to change those moments, but just to watch them happen as if you were a fly on the wall? I would. I would relive the summers that made me feel good about myself, that time I was so nervous I thought I was going to die but it turned out great, the times where I knew, the time when I started laughing but immediately switched to uncontrollable tears. Times when I thought I was invincible, times when I saw loved ones succeed. The time I felt like a million bucks, and that other time when I met new people who are some of my closest friends now. How about the time when I felt so stupid but so loved in the same embarrassing moment and my cheeks blushed? The times I made my friends laugh so hard that they cried. The times I laughed so hard that I cried.
Would you ever want to relive the sad or hard times of your life? That question is not so easy. Obviously you learn from the hard times and become stronger, but would you want to watch how your heart broke, or witness the stumbling and the struggling to make everything ok again? What about the time you felt so vulnerable in a room full of strangers that you cried in front of all of them? Would you want to watch the stresses pile up until you literally broke down under the pressure? Could you stand to watch the times your world was rocked so hard you didn't know which way was up, your deceased loved ones pass away again or people you truly cared about walk out of your life for good? I almost want to say yes, because it would be so intriguing to stand back and see how far you've come. It would be hard, and it would probably open up a can of worms or cut open old emotional scars, but it would give you hope in yourself. It would remind you of your purpose here and how strong you are and all the small and big lessons you have learned. Because there is literally no one on this entire earth who can be you. There may be people who look really similar to you, but they are not you. So there is NO way you can tell me that you don't have a specific purpose in being here on this giant planet. There is a reason for you to be doing the things you are in life, associating with the people you see every day.

Don't lose hope.

Enough Said

Hey, friends, hey.

So I've been sick...I guess that's what you would call it. The thing is, the infection part is gone (sore throat, coughs for days, swollen lymphies, etc.) but I'm still at home. Laying around doing nothing. Because I am in SO MUCH PAIN. Migraines and achiest of pains shooting from my hips all the way up to my neck. Writhing in pain day after day. The doctors gave me medicines, but here I am. Still in pain. It's more frustrating than anything, really. I feel like I should be fine now. I should be able to stand up and jump right in with all my dancer friends. But alas, the moment I jump up, excrutiating pains remind me that I am trapped in my own personal H-town. Talk about a lesson in patience.

Despite the negative events that have been occurring for 8 solid days, let's talk about how excited I am for the holiday season.

Holidays means all of my favorite things: warm blankets, getting nails done with Brooklyn after finals are over, all the cocoa in the world, Christmas movies, parties out the wazzoo, coming up with the most clever of gifts to give your loved ones, New Years (always the weirdest holiday to me, but calls for fun parties, nonetheless), seeing Christmas lights and candy windows in SLC, ONLINE SHOPPING, all the festive foods and desserts, socks, bundling up nice and warm for the outside ventures. Let's not talk about the awful transition from being bundled up in the cold to the "I can't get my coat off fast enough" muggy, hot building entrances... but I also love driving at night in the snow. I say at night because drivers are really stupid during the day, and roads clear out as people settle into their warm houses for the evening.

Feeling very blah today. For many reasons. Any pick-me-ups?

If I told you, you wouldn't believe me

Friday night happened to be the craziest thing that has ever happened to me.... I daresay EVER.
It all began with a too beautiful to be even true wedding reception. It was the prettiest reception I've ever seen. Classy as heck. Not to mention the food was delicious. The men were fooiiiiiine. The boquet toss was actually competitive. Everything was perfect. They even had spice cake for their wedding cake which happens to be my absolute favorite kind.
Then long story real real short, on the way out of the reception, I flirted with some of the groomsmen and ended up spending the evening exploring an abandoned jail with them in Provo. Scary? Not really. Nervous about getting caught? MOST DEFINITELY. It was really creepy though. Broken glass everywhere, blood on some of the walls, graffiti with disturbing phrases. yikes.
The guys ended up being tools, but I was laughing the entire night because I was being spontaneous and adventurous. That's what college is about, right? Doing fun and crazy things you would never imagine doing before? Even if sometimes you have to sneak around so as not to awake the warden who lives right outside the gate of said abandoned prison. #rebel

We all know emotions are not my strongest suit. Go figure. It's also a no-brainer that I am obsessed with my jazz dance class. These two things, strongest of strengths and weakest of weaknesses, collided last week, and it handed my butt to me in a giftwrapped bag. I'm not even sure how to describe what happened, but I can say that I was pushed to be vulnerable and share very real things in front of my entire class. It was hard, and I'd like to say it was good because I know it was, but it didn't feel that great. It felt like I was being run over with a car, and the car kept reversing and forwarding over my body... Ouch? I feel pretty safe being vulnerable in that class, I've done it before, no sweat, but to stab and twist the knife so deep this time was a little intense. Especially in front of people who aren't super fond of me. (A bunch of people in my class dislike me because the teacher uses me a lot. What they don't understand is she only picks on me like that because I've taken her class three times now, and I'm not even taking it for credit... so slow down, choncho! No need to throw serious shade) Anyway, I was held after class because Britt could tell I was struggling to "put my toys away".
I don't know how actors do it so easily.

I'm falling apart at the seams (what else is new?), and I haven't been sleeping well. Not the best combination. Can anyone spare me a wheelchair?

4 people from either Theatre Ballet or Ballet Showcase have asked me within the past week about the pros and cons of CDT vs. Theatre Ballet. So basically I am the Katniss and/or Tris of the BYU dance department. The rebel. the defector. And it actually makes me laugh that it hasn't been done before. #sorrynotsorry
Ok, but here's the thing. Theatre Ballet is great. Ballet is beautiful and will always be my first love. I have nothing whatsoever against ballet. Do you think I would still be taking ballet classes if I did? CDT is just a better fit for me. That's all there is to it. (ok not all, but pretty much...)

Wow. This went so many different directions so fast.

P.S. note to self: don't drink caffeine before a technique class because you will be WIRED.

Lil Missionary Moment

K. We all know and love Benjamin Wright. And if you don't know him, you should feel a strong desire to meet him because he is everything. Benjamin is currently serving in the Nebraska, Omaha mission. I get his family emails every week, and they are nothing but uplifting. This past week in particular, he said the following paragraph that really touched my heart (hopefully he doesn't mind that I'm sharing this...):

"Guys, it does not matter what pain we have, or what problems we are called to deal with. Jesus Christ heals us.  He's the only one that can do it. It doesn't matter how powerless or hopeless we feel, it doesn't matter who thinks we're failing or who tells us we aren't good enough. It doesn't matter if we see no potential for good within ourselves, it doesn't even matter if we completely hate ourselves. Because Christ loves us. So we need to stop thinking about ourselves all the time. Constantly focusing on ourselves, even if it's focus on how crappy we are, is still self-centered and it distances us from Christ and shoves the Spirit out of our lives. If we don't feel strong enough to deal with something, good, because we aren't. So we need to stop worrying about it and feeling overwhelmed about every single thing that goes wrong because it's all part of Heavenly Father's plan! He KNOWS that things are hard, it's not a surprise. And Jesus Christ lived and died BECAUSE things are going to be hard!! The entire plan of Salvation is created around the fact that life is going to challenge us and push us down and hurt us and damage us and break us. And because that is inevitable, Heavenly Father sent His Son to the world. And the Savior took upon Himself all of those things so that WHEN they come knocking, we can politely invite them inside, and them direct them right through the house and out the back door where the Savior is waiting to take them away. We don't need to be so afraid! Jesus Christ is right here, He's right here! Nothing can kill us, because he conquered death, spiritually AND physically! He is stronger than EVERYTHING! I wish every single person on the planet could FEEL how much the Savior loves them."

Isn't he awesome? I love witnessing the growth of his testimony, and even though I miss him a whole lot, I am so happy he is serving a mission. It strengthens my testimony every day to see my friends making the right choices and being so willing to serve. Especially my worthy priesthood-holding friends.

Here is a little snippet from the day of his farewell. He sang "Oh My Soul Hungered" for me as a final goodbye gift. And I will never get over his voice. He is the most talented guy I've ever known. Anyway... Also, I'm the out of focus person in the foreground of the frame, so sorry for moving so much. The tears were streaming, let's just say that.

Ok Fiiiiiiiine, here's another part.

P.s. The passwords to both: Benjamin

alive and well

That moment when you bite your tongue so hard while chewing food, and you don't want to look like a baby, but your eyes water and it hurts so badly. Yup, that just happened.

What is daylight anymore. What is sweat, what is relaxation? What is counting. What is studying, what is social life. I feel SO out of control. I am doing better than I was at the beginning of the semester, I'll give myself that, but srsly WHO AM I? I have become a soda drinking, class skipper! I never thought I would do either of those things. This semester is driven by my goals of no procrastination but also too much apathy. If I try to care, I am engulfed in anxiety. So I do seven quizzes in one afternoon, rehearse, turn in papers, choreograph until all hours of the hated night, and take tests, and sweat, and put on those blasted toenail bruisers called pointe shoes, but you canNOT get me to stress about any dance midterms or closed book tests. I won't do it. I'll work hard, and I'll study, but I can only be what I am, so if that's not good enough, tough luck for you because I feel fine about it. Wrong attitude? Maybe, but hey it works.

Sodalicious is great. the end. Especially when Brooklyn is in attendance. Today I really just needed a pick me up and that was exactly the perfect thing. Is that a coherent sentence? Not so much. But it is. Especially when they give you a GIANT scotcheroo that exceeds all your expectations.

Work parties bring all my favorite (and non-favorite) people together. And we go hard on the treats.... #scotcheroosandcookiesandmilk

There is a brotherhood of men and being asked to sing and dance at the same time is a lot harder than I thought it would be, so ok Young Ambassadors, we get it that you're great. So everyone come see us perform TOGETHER in the Homecoming Spectacular this week!! And yes it's to the song "Brotherhood of man." And I'm aparently from Ghana, so watch for the purple sack that is my costume...

Pictures as of late:

Me and Quinn at Lucy's blessing. She is thoroughly adorable.

The little lady of the day, Lucy Joy. I swear I'm like the baby whisperer or something...

Oh, while I'm thinking about it, let me just try to describe the impossible for you. Today in jazz (the beloved jazz class that I can never stop talking about #sorrynotsorry) magic happened. I can't even really explain how or what. This is what I do know: I thought it was weird that Brittany taught us the entire combo before letting us do it with the music. Then she told us to lay down and close our eyes and just listen to the song because there were literally no counts. When she turned on the music, I heard the most beautiful composition ever. Both the lyrics and the instrumentals were overwhelmingly beautiful. We were then instructed to do the combo on our own timing and to feel the music. Fabulous. We did it in three groups a few times and then got split into four groups. Mine was number 2. Group number 1 went, great. awesome. Group number two. I started out concentrating mostly on which moves to do fast and which ones to draw out, and then something happened. I was having the strangest out of body experience and yet I was so in tune with myself and every move's intention. I don't know that I've fallen deeply in love in my life, but I know what it feels like to be raw and vulnerable, so I sensed some harnessing of that. Everyone finished at different times, and when I created the last shape I realized people were in the room and they had been watching me and I wasn't on my own journey in the music. People had witnessed it. And aparently it was one heck of a journey because Cayel, Libby, and Brittany were all speechless. And made a point of telling me so. But I had no idea what I had just done...

And that is why I dance. For the moments of unexplainable magic.

(I realize that that explanation does NOT do any of that experience justice, but I really just had to tell someone because it was envigorating and exciting.)

How to live when you feel like dying.

I'm exhausted. And it's never going to slow down or stop being any less exhausting.
Crap happens. and the easy solution turns out to be the most difficult and doesn't even give you the option you were hoping for.

But instead of staying in my Debbie Downer ways, I decided enough is enough. You can hate it, but nothing's gonna change, so it's time to buck up, cupcake, and look at life from the happy side. So here are some things I'm gonna do to stay positive:

-Make lists. Lists make me happy.
-Sign my name in cursive. Over and over. It relieves stress.
-write in my journal more often. I can't promise daily, but more than once a week.
-Countdown for things. That helps me stay excited for things, thus increasing my overall mood.
-Reese's peanut butter cups. Because duh.
-Fall caramels. Because duh duh duh.
-buy a new outfit. (as soon as I get money, those black ankle booties from 6pm.com are MINE)
-Start off each day by reading my scriptures, praying, and then playing "find your jam"
-Make funny faces at myself in the mirror
-Compliment other people. This is something I've always had a knack for. I like to think of it more as sincerely congratulating people on living and choosing to be there that day than jealousy or coveting.
-Remember this quote: "Do don't get what you want. You get what you believe." Even if you want, with all your heart, to be happy, you won't be if you don't truly believe that you can be happy. Does that make sense? The m
-Bask in the fact that the following is real, and it happened, and I was really there. And appreciate the fact that I got to go and learn so much about being a decent human being as well as a better dancer.







(Quick shoutout to Rach. I am OBSESSED with all the videos you made of our trip.) Homies, if you want, check out all of Rachael Bede's videos from Italy on Vimeo. She's a genius, and I'm so proud to say she's my friend. Also, she'll be famous some day, so watch out world. Luh you, Rachie!!
[In the Rome vid, you can tell that I developed a sixth sense for when Rachael's camera was out hahaha. Sorry, Rach :) ]

Be happy, people. And do adagio combinations to little mermaid and FEEL that moment on the rock. It really helps hahaha.