Spill Your Secrets.

Laughing. Holding back tears. Squealing with the girliest of girly fantasies. Long legs that don't fit in the middle of her truck, but I'll jut stick them in their faces instead. Suppressed humor and paraphrasing in a way that only they understand, and (most importantly) the necessary shedding of any secrets. With everything out in the open, the burden of the silenced lips is lifted, and there is nothing but pure and genuine love for the best girl friends in the entire world. Talking with them brings me back to my true self. I don't have to be a mature BYU student when I'm with them. I can be the crazy, sassy feistasaurus rex that I am at heart.

Speaking to the women: We all love our girl-time, don't we? Yes, we do. Because it's easier to sit with girl friends and literally barf our soul to each other than to hold it in all the time. Yes, women get made fun of for it, but if it keeps us sane, then why not let us have a little G.N.O. every once in a while? And I'm sure males have their ways of doing essentially the same thing.

It makes me think of this song, quite honestly.

I love you, Marley and Morgan!!


P.S. Ok so I couldn't resist the Milester because it reminds me of Connor's obsession over her. So here's another video of one of my favorite songs. It's a very likely possibility that I know the entire dance.
Her pep-talk in the middle of it is the most inspirational speech I've ever heard.

Come back, back to me, back to where the mountains meet the sea.

Sometimes going back gives you a pit in your stomach and makes you nervous as heck, but it's good because you love them and they love you. You miss them more than anything because they are your civilization. Your natural habitat. The way you talk and act at BYU is quite a suppressed version of the walk and talk of A.F. The atmosphere of my old home is so much more welcoming. I miss it sometimes. Not necessarily what it has turned into now, but what it used to be. Just as I remember it. But, alas, Everyone and everything is so different now. Because we can never stop time or reverse. And yet we can pick up right where we left off.

I have a special fraction of my heart devoted to each of them: seeing him make faces and almost slide right off the piano, and seeing her shine above all the rest and when she cried, I cried. Carlos and her ability to out-stank-face the rest, the "beautiful girls" and the two techies who have stolen heart and soul. The sweet, glowing announcer lady who has been my next door neighbor for years. The double door-slam and my bleached blonde zany wonder.

It's hard to hear everyone's lives moving apart in separate ways with no way of capturing that moment in time. But when I have watched them perform over the years, their memory and the love I have for them is timeless.

Words of advice to my lovelies: don't take for granted the friendships, the ensemble/"small parts," the opportunities to help someone with a costume change. Don't get caught up in the glamour because in the future you'll be sadly surprised at how much you don't actually know anything about anything. I sure don't. It's a big world, and that big world doesn't have time for big heads. No offense. But growing up is a very humbling experience, so just take the time to love everyone for who they are today. Because high school is not even worth holding grudges or making enemies. I know I'm a hypocrite. But this is where you learn from my mistakes. Be "young and wild and free" or whatever it is you kids do these days, but just please don't be stupid.

So sit back, enjoy the show, and cue the rain.

"I was starstruck"

A snowy and depressing day calls for a pick-me-up of kind words.

What are your feelings about quotes? I feel that quotes and poems are moving. They are easier to remember than a whole sermon or lecture because they are much shorter and are worded in the most eloquent of ways. My favorite ones are the type that could be puzzling at first or make you think really hard. The ones that stay with you have the potential to motivate you to the point where "There would be nothing to frighten you if you refused to be afraid," so thanks, Gandhi. They give a sense of hope or confidence in service and other uplifting things. Sometimes they are encouraging and liberating when you are your own worst enemy. Wise people left them behind so we can learn from their lives and examples. To give us someone to look up to. Because we all know it's nice to have someone to admire.

I’d rather have a memory than a flawless complexion.

"All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself."
~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"


Anatole France said, “All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”


And my favorite poem comes last:
"Dive for Dreams" by E.E. Cummings

Dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)

trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)

honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at this wedding)

never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for god likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)

Never Too Old.

When I'm sick, I revert to my childhood. So here are some pictures to give you a clue as to what I've been doing all day while in bed.

I love Disney.

Nice and nice. (Editted)

An ordinary day. At 2:45, we take the mail out. I've never taken the mail out with GPL before, so today I did. The truck was late (normal), so we started to talk about secret things. The irony of our secrets is out in the dock area it's super loud, so in order to have a conversation we have to practically yell. So there we were, standing by our mail bins and yelling secrets. But somehow no one else could hear us. Very much a had-to-be-there experience to understand. While we were deep in conversation, he looked me square in the face and said, "...so do you like anyone? Besides ________..." I was kind of surprised by that question, believe it or not. I haven't talked like this with someone in ages. Maybe since the last time I saw Marley or Morgan, which was far too long ago (Come back, ladies). I had to take a few seconds to wrack my brain of all the "possibly pursued," but half a moment into that pondering, I already knew I knew the answer.

"Nope."
"Really?"
"Really really."
"Hmmmm."

We were quiet. Not awkwardly quiet, just comfortably content with momentary silence. And I was.

Then a big question followed: "If_________ [the circumstances permitted], do you think you be more than 'just friends?'" Wow, he was really drilling me today.
"Honestly? I don't think so."
"Why not?"
"Because I ________________..."

And that, my friends, is called a cliff hanger. I can't give away every detail of my life, right?

In other news, I was almost crushed to death by a rogue elevator door the other day. Not an exaggeration, either. I'm convinced it's punishment for taking the elevator still, since I'm pretty much healed.

I started dancing around my house again. Which is HUGE. I mean, I still can't do much, but it's progress.

Someone asked me if I would give them a piggy-back ride to the Smoot building because it was her birthday. I hope it was one of those social experiments being secretly recorded because the look on her face when I responded was priceless. I simply pulled up my pant-leg to reveal my ankle brace and said, "Uh... I just had surgery on my ankle. I can barely walk by myself let alone carry you on my back. Also, I'm going to be late to class." Ok, so I was a little nicer than that in real life, but seriously? Only at BYU would that ever happen. Weirdies.

I hope you enjoy reading this. I enjoy writing it, even if no one actually reads this, and I'm just blogging to myself. That's cool too.

Enjoy the sunshine.

Real Life: Part 2

It's kind of unfortunate when you find the perfect song to choreograph the senior dance to in the Dance Company concert. A year too late.

Bummer.

nobody cares, out of the loop, and real life.

Wednesday night my eyes were ripped open to a huge realization. This life is real life. I went to my old dance studio's company performance by myself. It was the hardest thing I've done in quite sometime. I was shaking with anxiety and fighting back tears because I miss it. I miss everything about it. And when the munchkin's moms come up to me and tell me I was their favorite and they miss watching me dance, it makes the scar ache right along with my heart. There were so many days when I recall saying, "I wish I didn't have dance today." When these days all I'm saying is, "I wish I could dance today." I miss my teachers and the classes and being the goofball of the group instead of being quiet and competitive and mature. I miss expressing myself in more than one style, because here at BYU you have to either pick ballet or modern. There is no jazz or contemporary or contemporary on pointe. There are no solos and fun costumes and company leos. No secret sister gifts and no funny characters that you would never find anywhere else than in a WBC Story Ballet. When almost every dance in their performance was a revived version of the original piece that I was in throughout my WBC career, it hurt to watch. Especially my solos. Obviously I love the girls who performed them and they did superbly, but I'm just saying that some of those solos have shaped who I am today, and it's an out of body experience to see someone else sharing that experience with your past self. If that even makes sense. 

There is no rewinding and reliving those glorious years of my life, and there is no pausing and remaining in that state of happiness forever. I only get older from here. And I only become grayer and fatter and feebler. All of a sudden it feels like I've been taking my whole life for granted. A mid-freshman-in-college crisis, if you will.

Have you ever felt so insignificant to the grand scheme of things? Because I sure do. I mean, I know I'm a Daughter of God, and He has a plan for me, but there are so many paths I cross in one day who neither know nor care that I exist. I am completely insignificant. Obviously I'll aspire to my dreams and gain friends and blah blah blah, but in the end, I am just a number. A face in the crowd. And surprisingly I like it. Sure I wish I was still in the loop with the familiar ones, but they've all moved on and so maybe I should too? I'll think about it. 

I'll think about it while I continue to reminisce the past that I can never have back.

"Look, all I know is you're the nicest thing I've ever seen."

And Desiree Takes the Win.

I mean, Sean, it has been quite real, but you're kind of old news after the greatest announcement that was just made. **Warning, If you don't want a spoiler, look away now.**

Desiree Hartsock is the next Bachelorette!!

The moment Sean did not announce her name in that  tragic rose ceremony, I knew she was the only one for the position. Her goodbye brought tears to my eyes. Literally. What kind of reality TV show brings tears to a non-crier's eyes? This one apparently. I can not even express my excitement. I literally let out a "sprinkler scream" of ecstatic joy (it's a little awkward if you don't understand the inside joke of that phrase) and threw my arms up in the air. I can confidently say that I will be in front of the TV every single week living her journey with her. One more reason to look forward to summer.

Way to go, Des. You're a champ.


Cheers.

Welcome to the land of a/c and bonfires.

Today I rolled the windows down because I was a little too toasty for comfort. Do you know what this means, my friends? Spring swiftly approaches.

My ladies are in the Big City without me this week, and I'm kind of heart broken. I was going to be the best room mom on the Earth.

Asian food is exceptional, I decided. Especially at this little place called Shoots in the Riverwoods of P-town. A group of us Pack and Shippers celebrated my Beyoncé buddy's birthday with Asian delicacies and flirtation and dares that have to do with fire. These are more than co-workers, though. I'm proud to announce that they're my friends!! The frumpgirl has friends!!!

Unicorn shmoonicorn. I'm content with myself right now.

Being a perfectionist has burned me out, I believe. Which is a real big bummer because I miss being able to seamlessly do well in school. Now I cannot for the life of me find motivation in schooling. Advice is welcomed.

"I don't ever wanna say goodbye
I just wanna steal this moment right away from time."

P.s. No jokes, I was nearly crushed by an elevator door today. Mini heart-attack? Yes.

Thank you for that.

There is something so peculiar and intriguing about you. I can't quite put my finger on it, but every time you open your mouth, I'm at a loss of words. You fascinate and inspire me. Thank you for that.

"Say the word and I'm already there"

Thank you for your amazing masterpieces. I've never admitted to anyone (until last night) how much I am captivated by your work. I lose myself in it. And I find myself, too. You taught me to do that. You also taught me it's ok to be vulnerable at this part and this part, but at this part you need to protect your heart for a split second. You taught me the difference between an admiration of a dashing prince and an endless love for a real-life human being. Thank you for sharing your heart with me through music and dancing and theater. Thank you for teaching me how to break down any and every barrier and to give my whole imperfect soul to the viewers. You opened my eyes to new dimensions of story-telling and new depths of emotion. You've made me the dancer I am today.

The curious part is you'll probably never even know that you made such an impact on my life.