Enough Said

Hey, friends, hey.

So I've been sick...I guess that's what you would call it. The thing is, the infection part is gone (sore throat, coughs for days, swollen lymphies, etc.) but I'm still at home. Laying around doing nothing. Because I am in SO MUCH PAIN. Migraines and achiest of pains shooting from my hips all the way up to my neck. Writhing in pain day after day. The doctors gave me medicines, but here I am. Still in pain. It's more frustrating than anything, really. I feel like I should be fine now. I should be able to stand up and jump right in with all my dancer friends. But alas, the moment I jump up, excrutiating pains remind me that I am trapped in my own personal H-town. Talk about a lesson in patience.

Despite the negative events that have been occurring for 8 solid days, let's talk about how excited I am for the holiday season.

Holidays means all of my favorite things: warm blankets, getting nails done with Brooklyn after finals are over, all the cocoa in the world, Christmas movies, parties out the wazzoo, coming up with the most clever of gifts to give your loved ones, New Years (always the weirdest holiday to me, but calls for fun parties, nonetheless), seeing Christmas lights and candy windows in SLC, ONLINE SHOPPING, all the festive foods and desserts, socks, bundling up nice and warm for the outside ventures. Let's not talk about the awful transition from being bundled up in the cold to the "I can't get my coat off fast enough" muggy, hot building entrances... but I also love driving at night in the snow. I say at night because drivers are really stupid during the day, and roads clear out as people settle into their warm houses for the evening.

Feeling very blah today. For many reasons. Any pick-me-ups?

If I told you, you wouldn't believe me

Friday night happened to be the craziest thing that has ever happened to me.... I daresay EVER.
It all began with a too beautiful to be even true wedding reception. It was the prettiest reception I've ever seen. Classy as heck. Not to mention the food was delicious. The men were fooiiiiiine. The boquet toss was actually competitive. Everything was perfect. They even had spice cake for their wedding cake which happens to be my absolute favorite kind.
Then long story real real short, on the way out of the reception, I flirted with some of the groomsmen and ended up spending the evening exploring an abandoned jail with them in Provo. Scary? Not really. Nervous about getting caught? MOST DEFINITELY. It was really creepy though. Broken glass everywhere, blood on some of the walls, graffiti with disturbing phrases. yikes.
The guys ended up being tools, but I was laughing the entire night because I was being spontaneous and adventurous. That's what college is about, right? Doing fun and crazy things you would never imagine doing before? Even if sometimes you have to sneak around so as not to awake the warden who lives right outside the gate of said abandoned prison. #rebel

We all know emotions are not my strongest suit. Go figure. It's also a no-brainer that I am obsessed with my jazz dance class. These two things, strongest of strengths and weakest of weaknesses, collided last week, and it handed my butt to me in a giftwrapped bag. I'm not even sure how to describe what happened, but I can say that I was pushed to be vulnerable and share very real things in front of my entire class. It was hard, and I'd like to say it was good because I know it was, but it didn't feel that great. It felt like I was being run over with a car, and the car kept reversing and forwarding over my body... Ouch? I feel pretty safe being vulnerable in that class, I've done it before, no sweat, but to stab and twist the knife so deep this time was a little intense. Especially in front of people who aren't super fond of me. (A bunch of people in my class dislike me because the teacher uses me a lot. What they don't understand is she only picks on me like that because I've taken her class three times now, and I'm not even taking it for credit... so slow down, choncho! No need to throw serious shade) Anyway, I was held after class because Britt could tell I was struggling to "put my toys away".
I don't know how actors do it so easily.

I'm falling apart at the seams (what else is new?), and I haven't been sleeping well. Not the best combination. Can anyone spare me a wheelchair?

4 people from either Theatre Ballet or Ballet Showcase have asked me within the past week about the pros and cons of CDT vs. Theatre Ballet. So basically I am the Katniss and/or Tris of the BYU dance department. The rebel. the defector. And it actually makes me laugh that it hasn't been done before. #sorrynotsorry
Ok, but here's the thing. Theatre Ballet is great. Ballet is beautiful and will always be my first love. I have nothing whatsoever against ballet. Do you think I would still be taking ballet classes if I did? CDT is just a better fit for me. That's all there is to it. (ok not all, but pretty much...)

Wow. This went so many different directions so fast.

P.S. note to self: don't drink caffeine before a technique class because you will be WIRED.

Lil Missionary Moment

K. We all know and love Benjamin Wright. And if you don't know him, you should feel a strong desire to meet him because he is everything. Benjamin is currently serving in the Nebraska, Omaha mission. I get his family emails every week, and they are nothing but uplifting. This past week in particular, he said the following paragraph that really touched my heart (hopefully he doesn't mind that I'm sharing this...):

"Guys, it does not matter what pain we have, or what problems we are called to deal with. Jesus Christ heals us.  He's the only one that can do it. It doesn't matter how powerless or hopeless we feel, it doesn't matter who thinks we're failing or who tells us we aren't good enough. It doesn't matter if we see no potential for good within ourselves, it doesn't even matter if we completely hate ourselves. Because Christ loves us. So we need to stop thinking about ourselves all the time. Constantly focusing on ourselves, even if it's focus on how crappy we are, is still self-centered and it distances us from Christ and shoves the Spirit out of our lives. If we don't feel strong enough to deal with something, good, because we aren't. So we need to stop worrying about it and feeling overwhelmed about every single thing that goes wrong because it's all part of Heavenly Father's plan! He KNOWS that things are hard, it's not a surprise. And Jesus Christ lived and died BECAUSE things are going to be hard!! The entire plan of Salvation is created around the fact that life is going to challenge us and push us down and hurt us and damage us and break us. And because that is inevitable, Heavenly Father sent His Son to the world. And the Savior took upon Himself all of those things so that WHEN they come knocking, we can politely invite them inside, and them direct them right through the house and out the back door where the Savior is waiting to take them away. We don't need to be so afraid! Jesus Christ is right here, He's right here! Nothing can kill us, because he conquered death, spiritually AND physically! He is stronger than EVERYTHING! I wish every single person on the planet could FEEL how much the Savior loves them."

Isn't he awesome? I love witnessing the growth of his testimony, and even though I miss him a whole lot, I am so happy he is serving a mission. It strengthens my testimony every day to see my friends making the right choices and being so willing to serve. Especially my worthy priesthood-holding friends.

Here is a little snippet from the day of his farewell. He sang "Oh My Soul Hungered" for me as a final goodbye gift. And I will never get over his voice. He is the most talented guy I've ever known. Anyway... Also, I'm the out of focus person in the foreground of the frame, so sorry for moving so much. The tears were streaming, let's just say that.

Ok Fiiiiiiiine, here's another part.

P.s. The passwords to both: Benjamin

alive and well

That moment when you bite your tongue so hard while chewing food, and you don't want to look like a baby, but your eyes water and it hurts so badly. Yup, that just happened.

What is daylight anymore. What is sweat, what is relaxation? What is counting. What is studying, what is social life. I feel SO out of control. I am doing better than I was at the beginning of the semester, I'll give myself that, but srsly WHO AM I? I have become a soda drinking, class skipper! I never thought I would do either of those things. This semester is driven by my goals of no procrastination but also too much apathy. If I try to care, I am engulfed in anxiety. So I do seven quizzes in one afternoon, rehearse, turn in papers, choreograph until all hours of the hated night, and take tests, and sweat, and put on those blasted toenail bruisers called pointe shoes, but you canNOT get me to stress about any dance midterms or closed book tests. I won't do it. I'll work hard, and I'll study, but I can only be what I am, so if that's not good enough, tough luck for you because I feel fine about it. Wrong attitude? Maybe, but hey it works.

Sodalicious is great. the end. Especially when Brooklyn is in attendance. Today I really just needed a pick me up and that was exactly the perfect thing. Is that a coherent sentence? Not so much. But it is. Especially when they give you a GIANT scotcheroo that exceeds all your expectations.

Work parties bring all my favorite (and non-favorite) people together. And we go hard on the treats.... #scotcheroosandcookiesandmilk

There is a brotherhood of men and being asked to sing and dance at the same time is a lot harder than I thought it would be, so ok Young Ambassadors, we get it that you're great. So everyone come see us perform TOGETHER in the Homecoming Spectacular this week!! And yes it's to the song "Brotherhood of man." And I'm aparently from Ghana, so watch for the purple sack that is my costume...

Pictures as of late:

Me and Quinn at Lucy's blessing. She is thoroughly adorable.

The little lady of the day, Lucy Joy. I swear I'm like the baby whisperer or something...

Oh, while I'm thinking about it, let me just try to describe the impossible for you. Today in jazz (the beloved jazz class that I can never stop talking about #sorrynotsorry) magic happened. I can't even really explain how or what. This is what I do know: I thought it was weird that Brittany taught us the entire combo before letting us do it with the music. Then she told us to lay down and close our eyes and just listen to the song because there were literally no counts. When she turned on the music, I heard the most beautiful composition ever. Both the lyrics and the instrumentals were overwhelmingly beautiful. We were then instructed to do the combo on our own timing and to feel the music. Fabulous. We did it in three groups a few times and then got split into four groups. Mine was number 2. Group number 1 went, great. awesome. Group number two. I started out concentrating mostly on which moves to do fast and which ones to draw out, and then something happened. I was having the strangest out of body experience and yet I was so in tune with myself and every move's intention. I don't know that I've fallen deeply in love in my life, but I know what it feels like to be raw and vulnerable, so I sensed some harnessing of that. Everyone finished at different times, and when I created the last shape I realized people were in the room and they had been watching me and I wasn't on my own journey in the music. People had witnessed it. And aparently it was one heck of a journey because Cayel, Libby, and Brittany were all speechless. And made a point of telling me so. But I had no idea what I had just done...

And that is why I dance. For the moments of unexplainable magic.

(I realize that that explanation does NOT do any of that experience justice, but I really just had to tell someone because it was envigorating and exciting.)

How to live when you feel like dying.

I'm exhausted. And it's never going to slow down or stop being any less exhausting.
Crap happens. and the easy solution turns out to be the most difficult and doesn't even give you the option you were hoping for.

But instead of staying in my Debbie Downer ways, I decided enough is enough. You can hate it, but nothing's gonna change, so it's time to buck up, cupcake, and look at life from the happy side. So here are some things I'm gonna do to stay positive:

-Make lists. Lists make me happy.
-Sign my name in cursive. Over and over. It relieves stress.
-write in my journal more often. I can't promise daily, but more than once a week.
-Countdown for things. That helps me stay excited for things, thus increasing my overall mood.
-Reese's peanut butter cups. Because duh.
-Fall caramels. Because duh duh duh.
-buy a new outfit. (as soon as I get money, those black ankle booties from 6pm.com are MINE)
-Start off each day by reading my scriptures, praying, and then playing "find your jam"
-Make funny faces at myself in the mirror
-Compliment other people. This is something I've always had a knack for. I like to think of it more as sincerely congratulating people on living and choosing to be there that day than jealousy or coveting.
-Remember this quote: "Do don't get what you want. You get what you believe." Even if you want, with all your heart, to be happy, you won't be if you don't truly believe that you can be happy. Does that make sense? The m
-Bask in the fact that the following is real, and it happened, and I was really there. And appreciate the fact that I got to go and learn so much about being a decent human being as well as a better dancer.







(Quick shoutout to Rach. I am OBSESSED with all the videos you made of our trip.) Homies, if you want, check out all of Rachael Bede's videos from Italy on Vimeo. She's a genius, and I'm so proud to say she's my friend. Also, she'll be famous some day, so watch out world. Luh you, Rachie!!
[In the Rome vid, you can tell that I developed a sixth sense for when Rachael's camera was out hahaha. Sorry, Rach :) ]

Be happy, people. And do adagio combinations to little mermaid and FEEL that moment on the rock. It really helps hahaha.

The week that never ended until it did

Last week was... INSANE. Stressful as heck and yet a blast and a half. It was the week of eviDance at BYU. eviDance is a peformance that happens yearly where all the performing companies come together and put on a show. This included Folk Dancers, Theatre Ballet, Ballroom, Living Legends, and CDT! It was fun to meet new people and share our passions with each other throughout the week and celebrate all the amazing talents we have been blessed with. Not only was it fun to bond with other companies, but I became closer with my own company too! CDT is a safe haven for me. A place where I feel completely 100% fine all the time. Sure I have bad days where I don't want to be there, but so far I love it.
I had some incredible support this week, and although the numbers were fewer than previous years, I did not feel a shortage of love. I was completely overwhelmed by the love, actually. I felt like a bird brain, distracted by every little thing because it meant the world to me that my closest loves came. It's amaizng to know people enjoy watching me dance. It's actually a really silly concept, if you think about it. People pay money to sit and watch other people move their bodies in inhumanly ways while trying to portray a message. Yet it works. Also, I love my ballerinas even when they call me the "traitor" and "defector." It's weird not dancing with them anymore.

This show taught me a few things:
+being sick and performing is the worst. Especially when you hack up a lung every time you exit stage.
+If you are assigned to be someone's understudy, make sure you know what you're doing, even if the choreographer never gets around to working with you on that part like he said he would. Even the most seemingly invincible of girls can fall ill to food poisoning, and guess what? Five minutes before the show, you have to step in and do a part you have literally NEVER done before... Scariest moment of my life.
+Compliment others without expecting a compilment back. Not that I had an issue with this before, but it was reaffirmed this week.
+It's nice to receive strange compliments. I was complimented multiple times on my teeth and the way my tongue fits in my mouth...? Haha also the way I eat, and the way I react to things people say. Those were oddly the most satisfying compliments I have ever received.

Here's the incredible family that I love with all my heart and can't wait to make more memories with!

CDT 2014-15

Oh! I almost forgot... When we were backstage before the finale one night, we decided that each company is like a faction from Divergent. CDT is obviously Dauntless, Ballet is Erudite, Living Legends are Abnegation, Ballroom is Candor, and Folk is Amity. So there's that.

Sunday Conclusions

Staying home sick is always a bummer. But one thing I have realized today in my lazing around is:

All I care about is dessert. My Pinterest? Mostly desserts. My cravings? Always dessert. I know sugar isn't good for sick throats and doesn't help congestion and the phlem situation gets so real, but I cannot help myself right now. I need a brownie in a mug or some cookies STAT.

(just looked up the word "lazing" and it is actually a word, so ten points for gryffindor)

I understand the importance of eating healthy and wanting to feel good and such, but I could eat desserts all day every day. Yesterday I went to a sibling dinner with my mom and my dad's siblings (my dad was out of town, so I took his place) and my Aunt Osa (she's a Swedish wonder of a chef) made the most amazing pies I've ever tasted. I don't like apple pie, but hers was so creamy, and the apples were the perfect texture, and it was topped with Swedish vanilla sauce! Like, what?? Amazing. Then we also had a lemon meringue pie of hers, and I have never tasted such a light and frothy lemon meringue pie in my life. A dream.

Are you salivating yet?

I'm thinking of what I should do for my sister's one year mark package. Can you believe she has been gone almost a year? Crazy. She is currently serving in the Georgia Atlanta North Mission. Anyway, I was thinking about sending homemade oreos because that is a Summerhays trademark cookie. In fact, I thought throughout my entire growing up years that we had made up the recipe because no one else around had heard of them. But now they're everywhere, sohn...

Some other delicious desserts I have partaken of this week: Swig sugar cookies, fall caramels from the BYU place of my employment (aka the formerly known Bookstore. I hate and therefore refuse to use the new name...)

If you have any dessert recipes to share with me, either send them to me on pinterest or comment below. Please. I beg of you. Because I will definitely love you forever for it. Also, this is a cry for help to stop making those brownies in a mug because they are really good but not really worth eating anymore...

Long live sugar and sweet tooths!!

Hurricane

My emotions are SO close to the surface, it's insane.

The past twenty four hours went from being happiest to worst nightmare to crazy dreams come true back to sucky and yet hopeful. Literally the most hysterically I've ever cried. Body shaking and waterfalls and gasping. I went ballistic.

It was the breaking point.

Bottle it up as I may, there is always a point that I snap and everything comes out. My mother was the unfortunate witness of this last night. After trying to calm my own tears and read my scriptures and stop hyperventilating but not succeeding at anything, I ran blindly through my pitch black house into my mom's room, and lost it. Poor woman, she was almost asleep before I rudely interrupted, and she in no way expected what came next.

*Quick side note about my superwoman mom. First of all, raising nine kids and living to tell the tale is quite the accomplishment. Despite my dumb mistakes, she'll get out of bed, and calm me down for an hour or so and help me fall asleep. She'll listen to my hysterics both good and bad, and at the same time be brutally honest and say, "You need to stop now before you end up in the ER." She is my favorite woman. She has so much courage and is able to hold her head high when times are exceedingly hard for her. She has dealt with a lot lately, and though she sometimes feels like a hot mess, she's the most admirable lady. Love her more than my own life.*

I literally felt like I was going to die last night. My body was numb, and I couldn't stop hyperventilating. Scariest feeling in the world. But my mother saved me. I spilled all the things that had been leading up to this, and she patiently listened.

Finally, after the tears stopped and my breathing slowed down to less of a hyperventilation breath and more of a sick and can't breathe breath, my phone made a little ching-a-ring noise. I looked and could not believe my eyes. Mitch Mathews was stalking my twitter account and had favorited a tweet of mine from the beginning of the summer. WHAAAAAAAT. I realize that makes me sound so stupid.
Now I have to explain the situation involving him. He is...indescribable. Wide Receiver for the BYU football team. 6'6" and BEAUTIFUL. Brooklyn and I may or may not have been completely ridiculous about him at the game on Thursday and then waited for an hour after just for him to come out of the locker room. And now he is following me on Twitter and had just favorited my tweet. I was geeking out. This time my mom was laughing at my new bout of tears and laughter and hyperventilating. (the hyperventilating was involuntary because I was already so worked up about everything, and if you didn't catch the little detail before, I'm sick).

Random memory: I ran into two people on separate occasions who I thought I would never see again this weekend, and THEY were the ones to call out MY name and give ME a hug. So it was nice to know that people from my past still care about me. ("past" is such a shady way of wording "high school" haha). I love that all the missionaries are returning now.

So although this was the best and worst weekend (and the worst post I've ever posted), I know these things for sure:

I love my mama, and she saves my life.
Dreams do come true (even though I'm ultimate fangirling)
Everything will be ok, even if it's really scary right now.

xoxo,
Eliza

P.S. Here's a pic of #10 himself after his amazing touchdown. I wish I could say I took this...

She turned her can'ts into cans and her dreams into plans

Sometimes you have dreams. Big Dreams. Exciting and scary dreams. Your dreams are all contradicting, so you choose to follow one of them, meanwhile the other two hang on for dear life in the back seat while the driving dream throws you for some pretty interesting loops.

Then one Sunday very much like today, a friend follows you home from break the fast for scotcheroos that you made late Saturday night *side note: The new WalMart marketplace by Macey's? Golden. I was so disoriented and confused by it at first, but I actually love it. And it's SO CLOSE. end side note* and end up talking until the late hours of the evening. Talking about all the boy frustrations, dating in general, the creeps of the singles ward that bring you flowers, school stresses, etc. And then... BRAIN BLAST. All of my dreams coincide with hers. And here is the plan. Obviously it is subject to change in many ways, but nevertheless, I'm really pleased with it and kind of hope it actually happens.

After she graduates with a degree in graphic design (she has three semesters left, so it's easier to say when she's done than to have her wait around for me to be done too...), we're both going to get certified in wedding planning! *Side note: If you know anything about me, you know that I am completely and utterly obsessed with weddings. I collect bridal magazines and want to make a color pallette catalog and a fabric swatch catalog... so many things. End side note* Wedding planning has always been one of the three dreams in my head. AND since she and her sister both have degrees in graphic design and possibly interior design, they want to start a business and I will join. That's not all. I could be their personal secretary slash receptionist AND contribute to the wedding planning. THAT COVERS BOTH OF MY BACK SEAT DREAMS AND I'M SO EXCITED THAT YES CAPSLOCK IS COMPLETELY NECESSARY.
Wait, what about the little driver dream? You might be asking. And I'm asking the same question. Yes I'm getting a degree in dance and yes I'm going to keep dancing, and yes I'll always wish I could be a rockette, but I have no idea what's gonna happen. I'm not gonna be famous, and I don't know whether or not I want to perform or teach, so I'm currently at a great big ole loss. Not that I have to be famous for my career to mean something, but you know what I mean, right?

I've got a dream, I've got a dream. And it has nothing to do with the floating lanterns gleaming....

Scotcheroos should be illegal because you canNOT just eat one. Try as you might, next thing you know, the pan is almost empty... and you're not even hungry, but you can't stop, won't stop eating them. Curse you, rice krispie deliciousness.

brb, gotta go stalk wedding videos on vimeo and a few other blogs that I am currently obsessed with...

If you ask Morgan Jo about the other night when she was at my house, she would tell you I was a lil sassy punk and a mad-woman. I was hysterical with stress and angst, and so I went from bratty to laughing to mellow and back. When she left I burst into tears because I was overwhelmed. I can easily say that is the weirdest night I have ever experienced emotionally. Since I haven't done an angsty, vague post in a long time, here we go, for old time's sake.

I get frustrated with hypocrites. If you tell on someone for something, don't turn around and do the very same thing, k?

I'm excited, but in order to satisfy the mother, I have to suppress my excitement. Bummer.

Not as vague, but I love the pack n ship. I love filing paperwork and watering the boss's plants and stocking the breakroom because my dream is to be a personal secretary and fulfill secretary duties. Now, if only my boss was a hot, middle-aged man that gave me his credit card to go get him food or get myself a new outfit for a special business event or asked for a rundown of the meetings for the day or something official. I can see myself rocking the secretarial position...

Jealousy is of the devil and yet one of my secret weaknesses. I say I'm not the jealous type, but it's a big fat LIE. Not if someone gets a scholarship, not if someone gets a hot boyfriend, not even if a past person finds someone new. I get jealous of attention and clothing. Like, what? If I have a friends who stop paying attention to me, I turn a wee bit green in the face. Also, I am the WORST at shopping. I'll love something and never buy it. So really it's my own fault. but I hate when everyone around me has adorable wardrobes and expensive taste. #poorcollegestudentwithaloan

You know those fantasies that you really want to talk about with people but you don't want to tell anyone? Yeah, me too. Especially after stalking wedding videos and blogs all day at work this morning instead of doing homework like a good student.

I can't believe I've been home from Italy for a month. I was looking back at some recently tagged pics of me, and I MISS it. I didn't really think I would because of all the crazy stuff that happened. I mean, yes it was overall a dream come true, but there were definitely some things that I hope to NEVER experience again. But such is life, I guess. I wanted to post so many pictures just barely because there are so many fun times, but I will refrain from overloading you all. So here are a few from the night we went to an Italian opera.

Red lipstick ladies. 

Lately I have a thing with the comeover look... which is actually BAD because I look bald. 

My Rachey. I miss her.

Where did the angst in this post go? It looks like the mood swings haven't ended... But actually, it's hard to be angsty when you have so much to be thankful for. I'm realizing how many people actually care about me, and it's nice to know I'm not just a number or a face in the crowd. Even though I really am at BYU because there are practically 3.7 billion people there... Point being, God is good to me and even though this semester I'm going to be taking 17.5 credits, working two jobs, and volunteering to TA a jazz class, so I will be able to teach beginning jazz at BYU someday AND I'm in the relief society presidency, He's got my back. Craziest thing I've ever done? Yes. But the term "spread thin" doesn't exist in my vocabulary. I've been greeting each day with an insane amount of enthusiasm that is not my own, so something big is coming. Or it's not.
I'm gonna change the world someday. Or I'm not.
But for today, I am happy.

With Love And Lack of Angst,
Lize

P.S. I'm in love with my new tiger tank from Cotton On. Yay impulse shopping. Boo not having money for more impulse shopping.