Intervention

I need some realignment (in more ways than one). Yes, my back and sacrum and head hurt really badly because I have some ribs out of place, etc. But that's not necessarily what I am talking about.

So here.
--pack and ship: I've worked there for approx. 2.5 years now and made some of the closest friends I've ever had. I even know way more about the mail system than I ever cared to in my wildest dreams. Also, there is no boundary for me there. Some coworkers think I'm a freak *cough, cough, Tyler, cough*, but I like it. It's kind of like a sanctuary. A sanctuary where I file paperwork and water  my boss' office plants and stock the breakroom kitchen utensils. Couldn't even be happier.
--CDT: Our concert is this week!! So if you haven't been heavily pestered by me on Facebook, this is your inviation to come! Friday and Saturday at 7:30 pm (there's a matinee at 2 pm on Saturday too). tickets are $12, but with the promo code BYUdance you can get 2 tickets for $20. *end soapbox* Actually, before I end, one more thing. Thursday at 11 am. You might want to be in Brigham's Square on BYU campus. Just saying #surprises
--dance in general: I feel so lost when I'm not dancing. And not just dancing, but advanced classes that push me really hard physically and mentally (ballet and jazz). I hate modern dance classes. I have learned nothing except for the fact that modern involves no technique and makes my muscles turn to flab. Anyway, back to the uplifting things of life. Dance. I don't know if you knew this, but I just adore dance with every fiber of my being. I love kicking my face and sitting in strangely unhuman positions that are normal to me but quite alien to everyday passersby. I love how it makes me feel alive, even if I can't breathe and sweat really badly. I don't know what else I can even say about dance because I am feeling so grateful for my talent and ability this evening. I just want others to be inspired by the movement they witness. I don't want it to be a praise of me and what my body can do, but a praise of how great God is and the thoughts and impressions people had when they watch me (or the rest of the company) dance. This past week I have been pondering the question that I have been asked since I was a little child. That is: "Why do you dance?" As it turns out, that is probably the hardest question I have ever been asked to answer. I don't even know if I know the answer. I could say it makes me love myself, but it also makes me hate myself a little bit. I could say it helps me express my feelings, but it also helps me be numb and forget all feeling. I could even say it is my form of exercise (because I hate running), but then I would have to say that it doesn't ever feel like exercise. I don't know exactly why I dance and why I put up with the pulled muscles and floor burns and bruises and every injury and ache and pain. I just know that I have to. I've contemplated quitting a few times throughout my life, but I can't even let myself do that. ****cheesy alert***** Dance is the thing that makes me me. It has helped me find myself and also lose myself, when necessary. It has taught me things that no human experience in my life could. I'm so thankful for dance :)
So come see my show :)
--moving on:Mah main gurls. I think you have an idea of yourselves, but for name dropping purposes, this week has made me especially fond of Miss BKay, Heather, Catsidy, Jezzica, and Becca. If only you could comprehend the influence these fine ladies have had on me. *highlight of the week* running into Becca in the RB parking lot. So many words. Such wise, very wow. Not even to mention that she is the sweetest woman in the world.
--I need to stop trying to live vicariously through others. I need to somehow live an exciting life for myself instead of replaying people's snap stories a thousand times and wishing I was there or stalking people on social media and wishing to be their friend. I need to make my life happen!! So that's that. obviously it won't change over night, but this is the intervention. To tell myself that change needs to happen. I need to waste less time, get 'er done, and live in the here and now.
--I need to STOP EATING WHEAT AND YEAST. (the ONLY exception is the cupcakes from Cupcake Chic. Don't worry, Brooklyn.) It is one hundred percent a metaphor for worldly desires. Temporarily delicious and blissful and then only pain and anguish remains after the Zupa's panini or graham canyon icecream or Café Rio tortilla is digested. I haven't learned my lesson either because I have repeatedly tortured myself with it since the very day I found out that I was allergic! It's getting rather pathetic. Alas.

Life is great. I can't wait to perform this week and wear stage makeup. Stage makeup is my favorite. hollerrr. It's gon be good... Also, pray that the sock mask won't work and that I won't have to wear it.
Thank you, good night.

#ifeelloved #canyoufeelthelovetonight #ican #liveyourlife

Karma dances in elevators

So there's this boy.... Gonna be completely honest, and I'm mad at myself slightly for admitting it. But I justify slash rationalize that I'm different than all the other teeny boppers and college-going girls who swoon over him. I also may be slightly more creepy.... #notashamed #jkdefinitelyashamed #lovemyselfandihatemyself

Going "cold turkey" on anything is difficult, I must admit. And I failed. Multiple times. Trying to ignore the dress rehearsal buddy ends in embarrassing myself by dancing in and out of the elevator and not realizing he was probably watching. Then there's the whole concert and got-pulled-on-stage part. When he grabbed my "random crowd girl" hand and began pulling me to center stage, I turned my head, and both of us mirrored happy, surprised looks on our faces. Instantly flustered for the rest of the performance. Can't form sentences. Can't even manage to tell him good job. Good one, Lize. Good one. Then there's the day (today) when I decide I can kick this...infatuation like it's old news. First class of the day was jazz.
I walk in, ready to be the best TA ever, and ready to forget about you-know-who. We learned a combo that had no counts, so we could play with timing and the musicality, etc. Then she told us to lay down and close our eyes and just listen to the song. As we discussed the meaning of the song, I face-palmed so hard. It's about loving someone so much, desperation, passion, not being afraid, etc. The song is kinda weird the first time you listen, but the more you hear it blasting in a dance studio that is dimly lit, you easily fall in sincere love with it. I wasn't going to, but I'll post a video of the song. Actually, I'll wait and post a video of me dancing the combo to it soon! That would be more fun.

Anyway, the point is not the dance, although that is very beautiful. The point is that I am smitten and I tried to run from it, but I can't. So sorry to everyone who believed that I could just step away.

But I do have a question. How can I stop being so silly? I need to get to the point where I can be calm and have a conversation? You know, cool as a cucumber? Dating SOS!

Wow. I'm in junior high, apparently...

Good thing gal-entine's is upon us, and I can have a fun girl's night with one of mah main gurls.

When a moment of weakness turns into three pieces of pizza.

Seemingly delectible, but the torture within is never worth it. haha #foodallergyprobs

News: My sister is home from her mission!!! It was a whirlwind of a week last week, but I have loved having my Shanny Poo home. and sitting by her at church is one of the best things.

On the subject of the week from the firey place, nothing turned out how I had planned in my head. But I learned one incredible thing. I do not have to be stuck and miserable in my current state. I can change! I have the opportunity to change how things are in my life through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Today I learned what happens when Eliza gets angry. Not just frustrated or upset, but angry. I said some things that were definitely uncalled for, and yes I feel badly for reacting the way I did, but it was also an interesting growing experience for me. I feel like I know myself better now. I was so mad. Almost shaking with anger. I was about ready to make some heads roll. But I'm (relatively...with the exception of two times today) good at biting my tongue and not lashing out at people when I'm in such a state. I don't say anything, and I shut down, but I sure don't make things worse. And mother was right when she said physical labor helps with blowing off steam. Also, tears and prayer and Reese's peanut butter hearts help :) Also the promise to see a long lost friend's new puppy soon. 

Puppies heal all hurting hearts.

I seriously can't even wait to meet Olivia, the puppy. I will hug her and snuggle up to her so much and obviously take pictures because she's too adorable not to document. I need the puppy smell and the soft puppy fur. They honestly make all cares in the world go away.

not Ollie, I just decided today that I want a German Shepherd sohn....

I was told today that desperation is the most unattractive quality to ever posess, but does that count for discrete desperation? Because I'm pretty sure that's what got me into the same theater as a certain someone, and got me the first favorite on my tweet today. Wow. That was exceedingly shallow of me. I blame angst.

My world is seemingly crumbling underneath me, and I'm wondering what is in store for me if everything I was counting on can no longer be counted on...? Sorry for the vagueness, but I wasn't actually supposed to be informed of half of the info I received today, so I was sworn to secrecy. Just know that I may become a little more desperate as time goes on... I know I shouldn't get my hopes up or stress too far in the future, but I have a bad habit of that.

Don't think that my life is all depressing lately. Sure I've had some tough days, but there are also a lot of wonderful things. I get to go to Europe this summer, I am (hopefully) going to LA for a week ish for some sun and dancing, and I have a great concert coming up at the end of this month. Let me know if you want to come to CDT's concert, by the way! Or buy tickets in the HFAC, or online at byuarts.com/tickets. Our show is called "Dance in Concert" and it is Feb. 20-21 with a matinee performance.

peace, love, and battements,

Lize.

Reliving the journey

So tonight I watched a movie while I finished a lil project that has been nagging at me since I arrived home from Italy some five months ago. aka finish my travel journal. As I was recalling stories and writing them down, I was thrown into the ultimate "I miss Italy" mood. I began reading through my journal, and I realized how many things I learned about myself in those short six weeks. And I also recalled the seeds it planted in me to travel the world. I need to see more. Just call me the vampire of world traveling... if that even made sense.

Things I miss:
The old Italian guitarist who serenaded us at Alfredo's (the very place Alfredo sauce was created). I asked after dinner if I could get a picture with him, to which he told the photographer, "Take a good one, this is my sweetheart!!" He kissed me on the cheek. I realize that sounds creepy, but it was so charming because it was Italy, duh. I'm sure I just giggled like a school girl.
The two males who approached us after our Pantheon tour and said to put away our maps and lose ourselves in Rome.
Italian men in their Italian suits :)

As I type, I keep fingering through the pages and reading short passages. AAAAHHH. I can't even tell you how magical our world is. And we don't even know it! Italy is all I ever post about, I know. But it's because it inspired me and literally woke me up slash ripped my eyes wide open to all the things in life that I was letting pass me by. Beauty EVERYWHERE. But especially in Italy. I'm no photographer like most of the girls that went on that trip, but I can tell you my eyes captured the most beautiful sights eyes have ever seen. Also, nothing exciting is happening in my life right now, so I keep referring back to the most adventurous time of my life, thank you and good night.

//sweaty, but also very tan, sohn...//

Here's to Siena, Italy, where I took that picture, sat in the very piazza and city where they filmed the movie "Letters to Juliet," and I didn't even realize it until tonight.

stay tall, tiny dancer.
xoxo,
Lize

I can, and I will, and I'd like to thank the Academy.

I'm back with a whole lot of thoughts, and since basically no one reads my blog anymore (which is fine, I have totally come to terms with it) I can say whatever I want.

My new jacket's sleeve zipper is broken. First time wearing it.

International packages/ super busy in the packnship close to closing time = the perfect way to make Eliza unhappy and annoyed.

At last motivated to do homework, but the minute I stepped into my room, angst and overwhelmed sensations happened, so I cleaned out all the receipts I have hoarded in a drawer of my desk. I also hung up some clothes #yayme

I need a small keepsake box for my Italian things. Any ideas? I'm thinking maybe ikea...

I found nappy candy at work and ate it out of desperation. I also drank some expired eggnog by accident, so basically I'm just waiting to vomit.

It's all fun and games until you have to wear a sock mask.

Speaking of Italy, can I PLEASE go back yet? I've been a good girl. I left part of my SOUL there. The distant call of the Adriatic sea is taunting me. Or is it the gelato? We can never be sure.

Here's my take. Perfectionism is really bad, not just in Utah Valley, but in BYU specifically. So much pressure from professors, but mostly from each other and ourselves. It's unhealthy. So many crazy expectations. I feel especially so because I am a dancer, and I am convinced that all dancers have a huge issue with perfectionism. Something about how we're trained to constantly strive for perfection but never come any closer to the impossible ideal than we were the day before, even if we improve. The "ideal" or "perfect" thing is always changing, so it will never be attainable. Talk about frustrating. Anywho, I'm not eloquent, but I wanted to give my two cents.

I sent off my tithing with a Harry Potter stamp, so my worlds have now collided. (Sorry if that was sacreligious. I was not trying to make it sound that way.)

Now it's time to talk about (another) one of my flaws. Namely: People pleasing. I am the WORST. I'm actually getting better at saying, "Ope. That was stupid of me, I told someone else that I would go to Costa with them, etc..." I spread myself way too thin, all in the name of wanting people I love and care about to be happy. Not gonna lie, sometimes it really sucks. Trying to make a million different plans work for one evening is not an easy feat. And a lot of times all the plans blow up in my face. Yet I continue... Maybe I subconsciously fear that if I tell a person no one time, they'll stop asking me all together. And maybe I think that way because it has happened before. Oooooooor maybe I'm just a pushover. GRRRR why am I a pushover???? Yet I can be the most stubborn at times... I'm confident in myself, so it's not a confidence issue. It is the weirdest of mysteries.
I'm the biggest controversy, if you haven't yet noticed. But I am sane, I promise.

I am woman. Hear me roar.

I probably shouldn't admit all these things, but at the same time, I am who I am, and if you know me, you probably aren't shocked by any of this. If not, sorry that I'm less than "perfect," but I'm actually not even the slightest bit sorry.

One day maybe I'll have a lot of profound thoughts on every aspect of life, but today is definitely not that day.

Still here, I promise. Just...

lack of words. and time. and

it's complicated.

Stay tuned...

Because of Him

Remember that one time I neglected my blog? Oh yeah, that's because finals are the rudest.
But I'm back, if you were concerned.

First, one of the neatest spiritual lessons I've learned while at church in my life. Lemme give you some background information, though: In my ward, there were 17 kids in my age group. All of us grew up together and graduated high school together. Even though we may not be bestest buddies, we are all pretty close friends. Well, all but four girls went on missions. And two of those four that stayed home got married. Anyway, I digress. It has been two years and all my homies are finally getting home! Last Sunday, two of these childhood friends of mine gave their homecoming report in the home ward, and it felt so weird and magical that they were the last of all the group to get home! My good bud Matt went to the Benin Cotonu Mission in Africa, and his talk reduced me to tears. He mentioned something about obedience that I will never forget. He said that if you wake up late and you don't do read your scriptures or do companionship study and you don't pray, and then you walk out of your apartment and get hit by a motorcycle, you will always question whether you got hit because you didn't read your scriptures or pray, etc. But if you DO wake up on time and you READ your scriptures and you PRAY and leave your apartment and get hit by a motorcyle, you'll know it was God's will for you. Because you were obedient and did everything He asked of you.
*mind blown*

Next, that night I went to a fireside that had me in tears of the best kind. It was a Christmas music fireside, and one of my really good friends with an angellic voice sang. Then we watched this video that yanked the tears right out of my eyes. I already loved the song, but... just watch. You'll love it.

Then there's this video that has been going viral. A BEAUTIFUL representation of why we celebrate what we celebrate every December 25th. So enjoy:

So readers, I love the Gospel. I don't care what you believe, and I know and love lots of people who don't share my beliefs. But I need you all to know that I know it is true. I know that Christ is our Redeemer and he was born and lived and died and was resurrected FOR US!!! So we can live with our Heavenly Father again. It's such a happy thought.

xoxoHappy Christmasxoxo

I heard your voice in a dream

Since I have been sick, I have had some of the WEIRDEST dreams I've ever had in my life, I daresay. I blame it all on the cough medicine that doubled as a narcotic. Said cough medicine has also created some of the most vivid and real dreams I have ever had.

I remember two dreams specifically from last night, and I need to tell you about the second of the two because I really don't want to forget the advice that was given because in all actuallity, it is GREAT advice.

The first of the two was really bizarre, but I'm only realizing that now. In the moment it was very real and very... comforting at the same time? I don't know, it was weird, so we won't talk about that.

Dream number two: I came late to a masterclass taught by the one and only Teddy Forance and was trying to frantically pick up the choreography as they started performing for each other in small groups. He was picking specific people to dance together, and Logan and someone else were up first. I took this moment to ask Teddy for help on a floor jump that was in the combo (I'm actually really excited to try it in real life because in my dream it looked so neat). He pulled me aside (into another room, actually) and started breaking it down step by step for me. Then he asked if I had any other questions about the combo. He wanted to see me do the whole combo right there in front of him and asked which grandma was my inspiration for the piece (there are always little bizarre things in dreams that seem totally normal, right?). After I did it for him, he gave me a few pointers, but then he surprised me by launching into a discussion of what I need to do as a dancer. He told me to always do things with a purpose. I need to create a story, devote myself completely to the movement. He went on to give me a whole motivational speech about the difference between a good dancer and a dancer that gets hired. When I woke up, I first of all, couldn't believe that had actually happened in my dream. Second of all, grabbed a notepad and pen and feverishly scribbled down every bit of advice. So thank you for the pep talk, Teddy :)

On a completely different note, I am happy. You would think I would be exhausted and grumpy because I was up until four this morning, but I actually couldn't wipe the stupid smile off my face this entire day. So it's great to be happy. That's all. Haha.

Ciao,
Lize.

P.S. I have a stalker. SOS. He's in my singles ward, and he really is creepy. I am so uncomfortable. But more on that later, I guess.

homecomings and snow and awkward moments

I rock at awkward moments. And by that I mean I always find myself in the most ridiculous and awkward of circumstances. I guess you could call it a talent. #blessed
I won't go into details because no written words will never give any of it justice, so if you ever want to hear these gems of stories, just hit me up. They're great. And by that I mean heavy on the Awkward Sauce.

In other news,

Connor is home. Morgan got her mission call. I met a Haitian man who I wish was my best friend because I have never felt so much light and love from a single person in my life. His name is Jeffrey, and he is a hip hopper. I witnessed the first snowfall of the season from inside my comfy house, thank goodness. I did lots of spontaneous things this weekend, that made me wonder who I have become as a person... not in a bad way, per se, but just a self-reflective sort of way.
I'm still quote unquote sick... whatever that even means. I've decided I'm done waiting around, though, so wish my body luck.

If you could go back in time and relive moments of your life, would you? Not necessarily with the ability to change those moments, but just to watch them happen as if you were a fly on the wall? I would. I would relive the summers that made me feel good about myself, that time I was so nervous I thought I was going to die but it turned out great, the times where I knew, the time when I started laughing but immediately switched to uncontrollable tears. Times when I thought I was invincible, times when I saw loved ones succeed. The time I felt like a million bucks, and that other time when I met new people who are some of my closest friends now. How about the time when I felt so stupid but so loved in the same embarrassing moment and my cheeks blushed? The times I made my friends laugh so hard that they cried. The times I laughed so hard that I cried.
Would you ever want to relive the sad or hard times of your life? That question is not so easy. Obviously you learn from the hard times and become stronger, but would you want to watch how your heart broke, or witness the stumbling and the struggling to make everything ok again? What about the time you felt so vulnerable in a room full of strangers that you cried in front of all of them? Would you want to watch the stresses pile up until you literally broke down under the pressure? Could you stand to watch the times your world was rocked so hard you didn't know which way was up, your deceased loved ones pass away again or people you truly cared about walk out of your life for good? I almost want to say yes, because it would be so intriguing to stand back and see how far you've come. It would be hard, and it would probably open up a can of worms or cut open old emotional scars, but it would give you hope in yourself. It would remind you of your purpose here and how strong you are and all the small and big lessons you have learned. Because there is literally no one on this entire earth who can be you. There may be people who look really similar to you, but they are not you. So there is NO way you can tell me that you don't have a specific purpose in being here on this giant planet. There is a reason for you to be doing the things you are in life, associating with the people you see every day.

Don't lose hope.

Enough Said

Hey, friends, hey.

So I've been sick...I guess that's what you would call it. The thing is, the infection part is gone (sore throat, coughs for days, swollen lymphies, etc.) but I'm still at home. Laying around doing nothing. Because I am in SO MUCH PAIN. Migraines and achiest of pains shooting from my hips all the way up to my neck. Writhing in pain day after day. The doctors gave me medicines, but here I am. Still in pain. It's more frustrating than anything, really. I feel like I should be fine now. I should be able to stand up and jump right in with all my dancer friends. But alas, the moment I jump up, excrutiating pains remind me that I am trapped in my own personal H-town. Talk about a lesson in patience.

Despite the negative events that have been occurring for 8 solid days, let's talk about how excited I am for the holiday season.

Holidays means all of my favorite things: warm blankets, getting nails done with Brooklyn after finals are over, all the cocoa in the world, Christmas movies, parties out the wazzoo, coming up with the most clever of gifts to give your loved ones, New Years (always the weirdest holiday to me, but calls for fun parties, nonetheless), seeing Christmas lights and candy windows in SLC, ONLINE SHOPPING, all the festive foods and desserts, socks, bundling up nice and warm for the outside ventures. Let's not talk about the awful transition from being bundled up in the cold to the "I can't get my coat off fast enough" muggy, hot building entrances... but I also love driving at night in the snow. I say at night because drivers are really stupid during the day, and roads clear out as people settle into their warm houses for the evening.

Feeling very blah today. For many reasons. Any pick-me-ups?